Funny quotes (part 3 of 3)

Funny Quotes (part 3)

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Angie Dickinson

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O’Rourke

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

One man’s folly is another man’s wife.
Helen Rowland

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was

an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright