Funny Quotes (part 1)
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
Claude Pepper
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman
Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O’Rourke
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Brought up to respect the conventions, love
had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
Bette Davis
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.
Mark Twain
California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O’Rourke
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
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