Esquire. what i’ve learned: homer simpson

When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.

There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.

Kids are like monkeys, only louder.

If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.

There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you’ll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, superintelligent slug named Dennis.

You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me – it’ll save you a lot of hassle.

You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.

I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff… zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies.

You may think it’s easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.

There are some things that just aren’t meant to be eaten.

The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I’m sorry – I meant sticks. Pointed sticks.

There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them – starting with 8. I’ve always hated 8.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “My God! He’s covered in some sort of goo,” I’d be a rich man.

Be generous in the bedroom – share your sandwich.

I’ve climbed the highest mountains… fallen down the deepest valleys… I’ve been to Japan and Africa… and I’ve even gone into space. But I’d trade it all for a piece of candy right now.

Every creature on God’s earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler.

I don’t need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.

Sometimes I think there’s no reason

to get out of bed… then I feel wet, and I realize there is.

Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It’s not funny. It can really happen.

Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don’t take no guff from the ocean.

I never ate an animal I didn’t like.

A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.

I made a deal with myself ten years ago… and got ripped off.

Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.

Always trust your first instinct – unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.

When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.

If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet.

I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.

Never throw a butcher knife in anger.

The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That’s why I never go there.

My favorite color is chocolate.

Always feel with your heart, although it’s better with your hands.

The hardest thing I’ve had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.

If doctors are so right, why am I still alive?

I’m not afraid to say the word racism, or the words doormat and bee stinger.

Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants.