It has come to my attention that many bros are suffering from a very serious medical condition: Pornemia – the inadequate consumption of porn.
The causes can be manifold:
– Can’t afford spicier cable channels
– Workday disrupting internal porn clock
– Marriage
Fortunately this erection-crippling disease is treatable.
All around you are literally thousands of low-cost, publicly acceptable porn-portunities… you just have to know where to look.
YOUR LOCAL WEATHER GIRL
The only member of the news team who gets a full body shot. As she sashays across your screen spouting stories of rising temperatures and storm surges, you sit wide-eyed and slack-hawed amid a high-pressure front of your own.
COOKING SHOWS
Watching a foxy lady-chef take those slow, smooth, sensual bites is enough to make any man accidentally slice off his thumb.
BIRTHDAY PARTY “BOUNCE HOUSE”
While technically you’re renting the inflatable trampoline for little Dylan and his friends, you’re not gonna be the one to stop Jimmy’s mom in her too-tight t-shirt from taking a little bounce… or two.
CLASSICAL SCULPTURY
Our ancestors’ Hustler. As girls shroud themselves in wintry layers why not pay a visit to a place where the ladies are willing to take it all off? I’m talking – of course – about the museum. Shuffling from standing nude to reclining odalisque is a fantastic way to enjoy your porn whilst being perceived as the cultured specimen you most certainly are not.
THE NIGHT SKY
Sure there’s the classics: The Big Dipper, Orion’s Belt and Ursa Major. But play a little game of connect the dots and you’ll find a surplus of interstellar boobies shining down on you every night. Camping by yourself just got awesome… not to mention easier, pitching-a-tent-wise.
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